A Wise Man Once Told Me...

I feel so cheated.  I feel so absolutely cheated out of naptime today.  Do you know what I did?  I spent naptime reading people's advice on internet forums.
When will I learn?  My only intent was to see if there were any decent articles regarding a whining issue with a 2-year-old.  Casey has been whining quite a bit the last couple weeks and I wanted to check out some ideas that I may not have tried yet.  BIG MISTAKE.  Turns out, people who spend time doling out advice on the internet are completely unreasonable douchebags with really low IQs. Here, take a look at the responses this poor mother received when she posted the simple question, "What are some tips to stop my 5-year-old from whining so much?" 


(I take no responsibility for the grammatical dipshittery you are about to witness, as I copied and pasted all comments):


"Let him whine. As long as he knows it bothers you, he'll keep doing it."

"Have you asked him why he is winnging give him big cuddles he is upset about somthing".  (Let's go ahead and assume that the person seeking advice from the internet never tried that.)

"From a simple behavioral standpoint, what should do to decrease your child's negative behavior is to first of all establish what is the antecedent (what happens right before) and what happens right after (the consequence of this behavior) in order to you to change this. Try by telling your son in a calm, but strict tone, "No whining." Praise him and give him something desirable, like your undivided attention as soon as he stops whining."  (not much to say about this one, 'cept it annoyed the crap out of me.)

"he could sick and you don't know it take him to see a dr"

"when u c that yr child is calm approach them with arm out sitting on the floor and say to them i love u very much sweety plz tell mummy what is that is upsetting u . but if u feel u tried these suggestions & u don't get no where then u need to seek 2nd opinion i.e doctor paedotrition or take yr kid down yr local early child hood center.  Hope my suggestions where helpful."  (I'm not sure, but... probably not?)

"are you spoiling the child? If so, you need to stop!"

"First you must realize you are a parent so please take responsibility and take the good with the bad."  (Thanks, Asshole.)

"He is whining bcoz he needs ur attention.Just u need to be calm & understand him."  (I mean, that's all.  Come on, Mom!)

"Have him checked for allergies." 

"A break sounds good. Please remember that until recently we (humans) lived in extended families and no one was responsible for a small, demanding (and children are by nature childish and demanding) child 24/7/365. Find a way to trade off with other women in similar situations."  (I actually like this comment.  You are awesome, internet stranger.)

"kids lie to feel important to. let him he is a big boy .praise him for the little things he do make him feel important and always talk to him like he is a big boy never talk baby talk."  (I think you're on the wrong forum, freakshow.)

"please check his HB count.  Also, calamine lotion is a good soother and so is paxyl for any kind of burn."  (um.........)

"take the toys away takee eveything he injoys away until he learns to shut it."  (I see where you're going with that, but I think I might call CPS anyway.) 

"I have a 11 year old that still whine, however, she does have some ment health problems."

"The question is why is he whining? Have you moved recently? If so, does he miss his friends? If so, have him call them to set up a play date (after you and their mom have already done so)."  (that is some random and off-the-wall shit.)

"Paint the nails, color your hair, perm your hair or even a bubble bath with your favorite candles burning will help."

(And this comment was written as a response to an article that called the 2-year-old example 'she', probably just so they didn't have to use 'he/she' constantly...):   "Actually, the only place where it refers to a male child at all is when they have the real example. The rest refers to only 'she' children." 


Duuuude.  Can you believe that I learned nothing today, and that Casey is still whining this evening?  From now on, I think I'm just going to watch Dr. Phil for my education.

Somebody open me up a mutha-f*#kin' bottle of wine!!

And then stand the hell back, 'cause I'm drinking the whole thing!
It's mid-October, which means Shawn is on his hunting vacation.  Hehe.  Bwah ha haaaaa!!  HAAA HAAA HAAAAAA!! Sorry, inside argument joke.  Anyway... Meredith offered to take the boys all morning long, so I went out for a Girls' Day with Kinney Kinz.  We went to the mall, we each bought a dress ($16 for mine, yo!), I got a latte, we popped by the grocery store and didn't lose our ever-loving shit over the candy at the register, and when Meredith brought the boys back, it was almost  naptime..........  but tonight, I STILL lost my cool and sent Colton to bed without dessert!
Now, before you think I am a spoiled monster, I will give you a quick recap on what happened:
MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD COLORED ON THE COUCH AND THE WINDOW.  HE COLORED.  WITH A CRAYON.  ON THE COUCH. 

What's that you ask?  No, no.  Not my two-year-old.  MY FIVE-YEAR-OLD. 

But surely he picked out a washable Crayola product, right?  Noooo.  No he did not.  He picked out some off-brand leftover restaurant crayon, the cheap, "please don't scare off the other patrons, take whatever you want, paper, crayons, a shot of whiskey aaaahhh!" crayon.

Whaaaaat?  I can't color on the couch?  Is this some kind of new rule?

You know the rules!!  Coloring is for paper only!


 

Oh, what? I'm sorry, you were talking, but I'm pretty sure I just fell asleep.

                                                 

 Oh right! The crayons. That's a good one. You're funny, Mom.



 

I mean, what else are we supposed to do for fun? Play with any one of these 800 toys? Color the Halloween pages that you printed for us?

Oh, you're serious? Um, ok, Pollyanna, you keep making the rules, I'll see what I can do. 





 

 

CUT TO:  Bedtime, 7:00 PM, lots of tears, no dessert.

Oh, except for me.  Because I'm the MOM, damn it.



The Word of Casey

I may have to revise this one non-stop!  These are just a few cute tidbits I remember from the past couple weeks...

On Friday, we were driving to McDonald's for a birthday party.  Colton, of course, was talking nonstop in the backseat, and Casey, who is usually pretty quiet in the car, suddenly yelled, "COLT!  Be quiet!!  I tryin' to talk to mom!!"

Then, while driving on Sunday.... um, Colton was talking nonstop.  'Cause that's just how it is.  About 15 minutes into the ride, Casey said, "Colton?", waited for Colton to say 'what', then said, "BE QUIET!"

On Saturday, he toddled on out to the living room where I was feeding Mackenzie, looked out the window, and said, "What the hellll?"  (don't know what he saw, and I'm not sure that's really the point anyway.)

Another Sunday, someone was helping me carry my things out to the car after church.  One of those 'things' included Mackenzie in her car seat.  When Casey saw someone pick her up and head towards the door, he ran to me and screamed, frantically, "They're takin' my sister!!  They're takin' my sister!!"

Halloween decorations-- we keep trying to convince Casey that the scary decorations are actually funny, not Bad Guys.  Last night, I dressed up our skeleton in Mackenzie's polka-dot onesie and a superman cape to render him less threatening (he even ate some of Casey's dinner and sat on the potty.  On a side note, Colton tried to reenact that this morning and dipped the cape in the toilet).  Then today, I hung up a huge, scary face in the window.  I was pretty sure it would be a no-go with Casey, but Shawn and I tried it anyway.  Casey was outside playing, so Shawn called him over to look at the window.  He stopped dead in his tracks with his eyebrows up and said, "Funny guy?  Bad guy?"  Then he saw me peek around the picture and said, "Bad guy got momma??"

This post is 'to be continued', I'm sure...

We're sorry, Colton is unavailable at this time...

At the bus stop after school today, I was informed (by Colton) that Colton will be staying at a vacation house in Leavenworth for a few days.  His friend 'Hoodin' will be our guest.  Hoodin is five years old, has blond hair and blue eyes, and talks a LOT.  He admires Colton's artwork and the way he decorated the house for Halloween.  His own mother would have fed him pizza for lunch, but he will settle for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if it's all I have.

Hoodin has a 2-year-old brother, a 1-year-old sister, and an 'older' brother... who is also five.  He would not care to discuss their names at this time.  Maybe later.

Hoodin does not have to go to the bathroom before he takes a nap, but understands that if he is staying in this house, he must abide by the rules.  Also, he is highly capable of putting himself to bed, thank you.

Hoodin:  "Oh, I didn't know Colton had a phone.  It's not a hi-phone like mine.  Maybe you should get him a hi-phone, so when he comes back from the buh-cation house, he will be surprised."


Hoodin is resting in bed right now.  I can almost hear the wheels in that head turning from here.  It will not be a quiet evening... 

9: 26 PM.  Update/revision:
Pardon me, I had the name entirely wrong.  His name is Hoonin.  Hoonin Fernin Fick, actually.  I kinda thought he was bullshitting me, but I asked him numerous times throughout the evening and he is quite consistent. 
Hoonin's bathtub is sooo much bigger than ours, but our grapes are bigger than the ones he eats at home.  His little sister just turned one yesterday, and her party was at Chuck E. Cheese.  She was not scared of the 6-foot rat when it came out to celebrate her birthday.  That's all the information I have for now...